Your competent child – a brilliant Danish approach for education

My child is naughty! –  many parents summarize situations which their children like that when they don’t meet their expectations. But is it really the task of the children to be an obedient executor of adult orders…?

This winter break I had the chance to read a fabulous and important book of a Danish author “Your Competent Child: Toward New Basic Values for the Family” by Jesper Juul where he undermines the traditional approach to upbringing children.

With tremendous wisdom and a warm, pragmatic eye, he helps us redefine the ways we look at a child’s behavior and our relationship to our children and ultimately, each other…

This book for me is BRUTAL, because Jesper Juul writes that many commonly used methods of treating children are violent and unethical. He says that using any methods in relation to another human being, no matter how small, is unethical, because it reduces him to the role of the object.

This book is extremely STRONG, because the author puts all the responsibility for the relationship between parents and children in the hands of adults. Adults are the only people who have sufficient tools and experience to deal with conflicts in the family.

It’s CONTROVERSIAL, because many times appears in his statement that it is impossible to teach anyone anything good, calling him bad.

And WONDERFUL, because when I read it, I discovered something that agreed with my thoughts. Or something that was extremely revealing and fresh for me, such as saying that when a child is a teenager, it is too late to raise a child. Another chapter about considering how to teach children responsibility and the one on how to care for the integrity of the child – that is, respect its limits (so very close to my mind and heart because the same thing says Dr. Maria Montessori). How to give your child the chance to be yourself and free them from playing the role of the ideal child.

Anyone with a child will gain immensely from reading this book, seeing themselves, just as I did, over and over again, in his numerous examples, and learning how to move on from there

I learned from this book how to:

• respect the limits of my child and set my own
• allow children to express themselves without unnecessary expectations
• trust their feelings and listen carefully to what they have to say
• protect them from being “invisible children“
• build in the youngest self-esteem and self-confidence
• take responsibility for matters for which the child is not yet ready.

Some of what he suggests we as parents do is difficult – as it is against our “knee-jerk” reactions we may have learned from our parents, but all of it is right on about how we can raise confident, healthy, whole humans, right from the start.

In his book, Dr. Juul says:

“The set of values ??described by me (…), derived from the old-fashioned concept of a child’s nature, is still widely practiced in many parts of the world. Regardless of what we think about it, we must admit that traditional educational methods are very effective, or at least they used to be. However, the purpose of such upbringing – the formation of children who behave well – is wrong. His quintessence is a warning that we have notoriously heard during adolescence: Behave well, so that other people will see that you have received proper upbringing! The priorities of our parents were based on superficial goals: maintaining good relations with others, good behavior, adjusting, answering properly and saying “thank you”, “nice to meet you” and “thank you for your hospitality“. It was not expected that children would be themselves. They were expected to play, just like an actor in the theater. And just as the actors were to learn their roles.Now, many years later, it is easy to be wise, knowing more about children than our parents knew. We must remember that those parents who persist in the vision of the family as a structure of power, do so with the sincere conviction that it is the best for their children and do not consider their way of education as a manifestation of power.”

Dr. Juul doesn’t offer easy answers or ‘tricks’ to help in the raising of your child. This is a book that helps you see with a child’s eye, hear with a child’s ear, and feel with a child’s heart in ways that feel so natural and obvious, you will wonder why you haven’t thought of them before. But trust me, you haven’t.

Who is Jesper Juul?

Jesper Juul is a Danish pedagogue, the creator of the humanistic approach to education. For over 30 years, he has been helping parents around the world who want to build safe relationships with their children.

His theory is based on four basic pillars:

• equality of all family members
• parents’ authority built on authenticity (not violence)
• responsibility
• protection of personal integrity

Without reservation, I am grateful for this book and highly recommend it. This groundbreaking book will surely turn upside down any thoughts you ever had about raising children. Even though you may not agree with all the views…

You can order this book from Amazon or Ebay, here.