I came across lately about the need for the quality time spent with children. It’s well-known advice to all parents: it’s much more important to spend quality time with your child – better less and quality than more but spare and empty time. I am wondering – what does it mean? Quality means that during this period, you do something excellent. But what exactly we are supposed to do during that qualitative time with our children? Maybe we should start an intellectual discussion, intelligently interact to strengthen their internal potential. We should maybe teach them to read, count, sing, cook? Or all of it at once? If so, what about our schedules, plans, and needs we have?
In my opinion, if we start overthinking about all these quality things we must do with our kids, we start floating in deep waters. Because in our busy lives, very often we simply don’t have time to make it happen or after a few attempts, it won’t work because it’s made up for the occasion.
To show me perspective, I will share yesterday’s episode with my daughter.
After school and the afternoon’s snack at home, we jumped again into the car again to drive my son to his football practice. Victoria was at the table’s bar with me waiting for David to finish and she started to draw a picture with crayons. She was working on her paper and didn’t seem to be interested in my presence at all. After some time, a friend of mine joined us, as we started chatting, my daughter has started to act out – she wanted my attention, she raised her voice asking me for another snack and generally was rude to me.
At that moment, I didn’t understand what was going on. Fortunately, the class was finished so we drive back home. Later on, after dinner, David asked me to talk to him privately (without anyone around). We closed the door of his room and started chatting. Then my daughter exploded: she started to scream and shout, asking me to be with her and finding ways to open the door and be present at all costs there with us.
I hugged her strong and let the anger fly out of her, she calmed her down and relaxed as I stayed there with her. We made her ready for bed and after a few minutes, I laid in the bad, simply asking what was the reason for all this acting out. Her word shocked me and impressed me strongly: she just wanted to be heard and seen. As a mother, I felt bad and I asked myself how could I be so stupid not to notice it before as she was desperately asking for being HEARD AND SEEN?
I haven’t connected with her for the whole day, even before school (I’m sure you know all this hustling to get out of the house in the morning). After school, I was not putting REAL attention to her words, emotions, needs…
There’s the answer: I need to make sure to connect with my kids on their individual level throughout the day whenever I possibly can: during the preparation of the dinner with my daughter because she loves to cook and prepare the food. In the car on the way to football practice with my son, because apparently only then he starts to talk and he opens him up and loves to speak about his struggles and needs. Reading a book before bed with both of them because they need me to stay close and be together and snuggle before sleeping, etc.
I don’t have to regularly schedule specific outings or dates with one of my children in the the effort to give my child my undivided attention.
Now I understand, that instead of overthinking it too much, I would rather be here and now with them and listen more carefully to the signals that my children are sending us.
This is what I call quality time with my kids and what I need to improve.
