At 23 weeks, it’s time to share the news that we are having a baby! Yes, I am pregnant, and baby number three is on the way. We are very excited that a beautiful little being will join us soon!
New life is always worth celebrating, and we can’t wait to welcome our new addition. Even after having two other babies, I am still amazed by pregnancy.
Actually, it amazes me more each time I am pregnant! We grow humans. And to know that this baby will be born with a little fan club is instantly heartwarming. Two older siblings, just waiting for it to arrive. How wonderful is that?
But this baby has made me the quietest I have ever been during my pregnancies. With 4 months of pregnancy sickness and sleepless nights. I knew I was pregnant, but I didn’t utter a word about it to even a soul. (Except my husband and my mom.) As if speaking the words would ruin it again. And now, I sometimes realize I have still even forgotten to tell close friends my news… crazy, but, true (and sorry if one of you is reading this!). And nope, I haven’t even done the usual 12-week scan photos on social media.
Because the truth is that last year I miscarried. And that’s why my careful approach to any pregnancy before. A miscarriage can change you. At least temporarily. You aren’t as bold, as confident, or honestly… as naive. You are vulnerable, you are toughened, and you are careful. At least I have been. It is an experience that leaves you sad, empty, and you lose a bit of trust in your body. And I say those words quickly, but not lightly. Miscarriage can bruise your hope. For such a small thing, it is a big loss, of hope, of trust, of the future.
When my miscarriage happened, I stayed in the shadows, not sharing the story of my miscarriage with more than a few people. I wasn’t suffering in silence, I just wanted to heal, to make sense of it and recover. I didn’t think it was a secret, I just didn’t feel like talking then. As common as miscarriage is, I chose to hibernate, to crawl into a turtle shell-like shield. And protect me. Some people go outward and share all, some do the opposite, going quietly inward. I had chosen the latter, and healed better that way, with close friends, family, and expressing my thoughts by writing. And let me just say, from start to finish, a miscarriage is awful. I have great compassion for those who have experienced it.
Now I am pregnant, shouldn’t I be happy? Well yes, I am, but I am still cautious. Even writing this takes great courage, let alone believing I can have another baby. The experience which was raw and emotionally exhausting and only now am I able to speak openly. I am cautious. After all, anything is possible even with this baby. I am no longer blissfully ignorant.
Now I realize this is somewhat unusual since new baby announcements are normally filled with the gushing. With happiness. This may seem like a dark shadow on a sunny day. But life is not perfect, nor is the journey of pregnancy. And in time, I will gush over this new baby. It is just a slower process that is happening as I grow. This ever-expanding bump makes things more real. It signals a new chapter, but my emotions need to catch up with my growing.
Believing this pregnancy will be ok has been a process. Sharing our news made it seem more real. We first told our instantly ecstatic children. It couldn’t have been more heartwarming! We then told family. And then friends in our community.
But still, I proceeded with caution. At 20 weeks, we went for a scan as a family, and all was healthy, all was fine. There was moving, kicking, wiggling life in me. I could breathe a bit easier!
We even decided to through a Gender Reveal Party . I was that happy and confident!
I had never taken the time to do a ‘proper’ pregnancy photoshoot previously, and I am so happy I did with this pregnancy, as it is probably my last one. This shoot allowed me to take it all in, to stop, and look at my belly. Um, hello, is that me, the woman with a bump?!?!! Oh yes, I am really pregnant… It’s real…
These are the stages of this pregnancy, which has been a new and unusual journey for me… from cautious to more confident! I have learned a lot about myself, me as a mother, and life in general. As I grow, both bigger and wiser, I am trying to open up more too, in the hope that it will help others. I am no expert, I am just trying to make sense of it as I go, sharing the un-perfect reality of pregnancies and the joys as well too.
Of course, I will still wonder and worry, I think it is natural. Questions will continue to pop up in my head. Will the baby be healthy? Hopefully! I will be truly excited when I see this baby in my arms. This is a new chapter. A new baby in February, and a new year! I now get to embrace this time. To nest, bond, and prepare. I hope you will enjoy this journey together with me.
Thank you for being here.
Much of love!
Joanna
xxx
