The collaboration at home requires establishing the correct communication methods.
Talking with a child as with a collaborator will make him feel part of the team, and this is exactly what the family should be. It may seem an irrelevant detail, especially when talking to small children, but it’s important. Instead of ordering: “Put on the red dress, it’s hot outside, let’s go for a walk!”, try with a suggestion: “We go out, it’s hot. Do you want to go for a walk with us? Which dress would you prefer to wear: red or blue?”
Sometimes, of course, you have to give instructions. Some two or three-year-olds would take over the house if we let them do it. But instead of imposing certain activities, let him a choice: you are teaching him that he’s being listened to and that his opinion matters, even if he is small.We have to avoid speaking to our children as we will never do with our friends, especially in the sense of controlling them with a stick.
“Do you want to go to the park or to the zoo: Do you want to play with Lego or help mom prepare a snack?” Remember, always give young children as few choices as possible, and they must be clear and transparent. I already hear the most likely answer: “I want to go get ice cream!” In this case, you will have to say no, but many of the children’s responses can be heard.
Would you like someone talk to your child like you did when you were angry? I know how frustrated parents can feel, but there are more collaborative and less hasty ways to talk than: “get in the car”, “hang up the phone”, “come over here”. We also have to avoid saying things that can be painful in the long run, like: “You did stupid things.” We all do stupid things, but pointing out it only makes things worse.
Make collaboration and sharing as a part of your daily life. In our family, for example, we eat dinner every night together, and each of us tells an episode that occurred that day. It is a simple, but a remarkable ritual that unites and emphasizes the importance of everyone in the family.
Speaking about tasks and responsibilities, almost every activity can be divided and carried out collaboratively. At home, children can get busy planning and preparing dinner: they can choose recipes, help to cook, set the table, or unload the dishwasher.Keeping the house clean is a collective task, where children can have a clear role.Who is vacuuming today? Who washes the car? Who throws the trash??The basic idea is that since the house belongs to everyone, we must cooperate to keep it in order: nobody is a servant of anyone and everyone has the responsibility to honor his part of the agreement.
One of my favorite activities that teach collaboration is holiday planning. Usually, I present various options and I encourage children to do the research, choose destinations, and decide the program of holidays. In that way, I don’t have to force them to do anything, because they will have planned everything.
During our trip to Barcelona last fall (read here about it)
I had an idea of museums and attractions to visit. But before making the final decision, I had discussed with my children which of them were really interesting. We discussed several options and pre-and cons regarding each of them. Then we made the last decision together. I had already learned my lesson: if I didn’t ask the children for their opinion, take them to the museum, would have been like taking them to the dentist! So, we discussed, even animatedly, then reached an agreement and always respected it.
Every day in the life of our children is full of challenges. All parents know this: there is always a problem to solve. If we really want to help our children, we must be patient, not judge them, but guide and support them while making decisions, rather than telling them what to do.
Finally, the advice should be given on a collaborative perspective and not in the form of orders. Last year my son’s teacher informed us that he had some gaps in mathematics. Because of an examination that he was about to take shortly, it was obvious that he would have to recover those gaps. I then proposed three options and asked him to choose: 1. stop at school after lessons and get help from the math teacher 2. ask his father to help out with math but at that time, he was very busy and had no free time 3. take repetitions from an external tutor. David chose the tutor, and soon a student of the last year of mathematics has started coming home two times a week to help him. Another obstacle overcame, together.
If we learn to work side by side with our child, we can solve many complex problems, orient ourselves in very difficult situations, and exploit the power of many opinions and ideas, even in conflict with each other. Besides, we will become more aware of how we treat our children. Do we collaborate with them? Do we value their ideas and passions? What do we teach them with our actions on how to live in the adult world?
This is one of the most important collaborations ever, because who we are as parents depend on who our children will become. And they will decide the future of the world.
