The answer to the above question is not obvious, and it results from the simple reason that each child is an individual. Although this observation may sound like a truism, it finds confirmation in numerous scientific studies – who and what our child is becoming, is influenced by both genes and early life experiences and the way we respond to them: including the the course of pregnancy (fetal life), the way of birth, meeting basic needs and interaction with the mother.
The second obvious truth that we have to face, is that being a parent is one of the more demanding and responsible life challenges. Here we are given a new human life, a fragile, dependent entity, and our role is to introduce it to the world. Not surprisingly, most of us may feel overwhelmed and even terrified of this task and are looking for a kind of “instruction manual”. The more so that the language spoken by a newborn child is significantly different from the adult language, and understanding it requires time, willingness, and effort on our part.
The great need to find this “instruction manual” is evidenced by the popularity of various methods and training related to the “troublesome” (because different from the rhythm and needs of adults) areas of childhood functioning – food, sleep, dealing with physiological needs and social interaction. The purpose of these methods and training is to help parents care for their children, “fighting against bad habits” and “learning to be independent.”
Their supporters ensure that the consistent application of the techniques they propose ‘works for all children, regardless of temperament’.
They also argue that it is best to start training from the first days of a child’s life, because “the older the child, the harder it is to break bad habits caused by accidental upbringing, regardless of whether it is waking up at night and demanding food, or rebelling when sitting in a high chair to eat the right meal”.
Often suggested by training experts, “easy plans” and “simple solutions” may seem tempting to confused or simply tired parents, but it is hard to resist the the impression that they include only one perspective – the parent’s perspective.
Because if a parent has adequate knowledge about the child’s development and development needs, e.g. that the stomach of a month-old baby is about the size of an egg, and to survive, it needs physical contact (which, in addition to holding in his arms, is also breastfeeding), or that night wake-up calls and frequent eating are a “bad habit”, not quenching hunger, or that training to give up night feeding and sleeping all night serves the child’s healthy development.
Let’s be clear: ignoring the child’s perspective, his natural psychological needs, and developmental possibilities stand in absolute opposition to understanding him.
It is also not conducive to building such an important relationship to mental health, nor has anything to do with the healthy development of independence. If these methods work, it does not take place through the child’s independence, but his resignation from communicating needs and withdrawing from contact.
Does this mean that when becoming parents, we should cut ourselves off from our needs, e.g. the need for night rest? Of course not. Satisfying our needs, however, cannot be at the expense of the child. Searching for a balance between the needs of parents and the needs of the child is one of the key elements of parenthood.
I deliberately write about finding a balance, because from the day of birth, for the next years of the child’s life, his needs will change and only the parents’ flexible response to these changes will allow restoring this balance in the parent-child relationship.
To understand our little child – the language he communicates, his needs, and development opportunities – it is worth being patient and free from expectations. Because each child can write a separate book, we are so strongly individual beings.
Individual, though paradoxically very similar – all children in the world are born with the same, universal for human needs: love and being loved, contact, closeness, and also develop at a similar pace.
Above all, however, it is worth opening up to work on your parenthood. Expanding awareness in the area of knowledge about child development, communication, and building relationships, as well as ways of responding to your own childhood experience will not only facilitate understanding but also finding an individual agreement with your child for your mutual needs.
